As you may have noticed, we are living in a Golden Age of Ultimate Guides, a veritable Renaissance of guiding. Never before have guides been so generally ultimate. Sure, it’s difficult to articulate what separates ultimate guides from normal guides. But you can just feel it.
When you’re sitting there reading a plain old guide, you get the sense that something’s missing from your life. A deep sense of longing and isolation, a subconcious exile from paradise, an original sin with the weight of a mountain bearing down on your psyche.
But then you find yourself a sweet, sweet ultimate guide, and suddenly the clouds part and that beautiful sun bathes you in its tender, loving tentacle of light as the scales fall from your eyes and your soul is transported into the 5th dimension and assimilated with the multiversal elven hive mind.
The wife says I’m addicted, so I tried going back to essential guides, I really did, but it’s just not the same. Complete guides are a joke by comparison. And don’t even get me started on comprehensive guides. So beware. Once you are blinded by the light, all else is cast in shadow.
But if you’re still looking for an ultimate high, here are some guides that are ultimate even by ultimate guide standards. Let us utter a prayer for those who read just a plain old guide on any of these topics. They clearly would not have sufficed.
The Ultimate Guide to Snagging a Sugar Daddy in Chicago
I was at the end of my rope before I found this one. Guide after guide for snagging a sugar daddy had let me down, time and time again. But then, as fate would have it, I happened upon this gem, and now both my financial needs and the emotional needs of a certain well-to-do Chicago urbanite are happily met.
Carl Jung and the Shadow: The Ultimate Guide to the Human Dark Side
You might think it arrogant to claim to have an ultimate guide to something so profound, especially when it’s an article of unremarkable length. I say you’re just not thinking ultimately enough. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Florida Medical Cannabis: Ultimate Guide to Vaping Distillate with V-Fire Pods
We’ve all read many a guide to vaping distillate with v-fire pods. The internet’s bursting at the seems with them. But this short, seemingly average article is no mere guide. It’s the ULTIMATE guide. Behold its 1500 word count glory.
The ultimate guide to gifting STEM toys: tons of ideas for little builders
This is the ultimate guide for this topic. If you buy anything for your bright little nephew that’s not on the list of 15 or so products, don’t come crying to me when, in a post-apocalyptic future, you’re hanging off the edge of a cliff by your fingernails, having been pushed by one of a roving gang of raiders, and instead of pulling you up, your nephew, now a full-grown, muscular veteran of the Eastern Wastes, smiles and grinds your fingers under his steel-toed boots, laughing maniacally at his serving of justice as you plummet to your maker.
The Ultimate Guide to Data Cleaning
Anyone that’s cleaned data before knows that this guide covers it all. Problem solved.
Ultimate Guide to Bondage: Creating Intimacy through the Art of Restraint
An ultimate guide that’s 240 pages long! That’s a lot of ultimate! I’m getting all wound up just thinking about it.
The Ultimate Guide to Footwear for Off-Season Hiking
To the untrained eye, this might look like an average list of several pairs of shoes that might be good options. But to the trained eye, set in the socket of a person of culture, it is evident that these specific shoes are your only options. Definitely not just a short, informal, run of the mill guide.
The Ultimate Guide to Your Prom Night
“Have a budget, have a prom group, synchronize with your date, make necessary appointments in advance, get your parents onboard, enjoy yourself.” Yes, I’d say that covers it in exhaustive detail. Can’t think of a single other topic that might be on prom-goers’ minds. And trust me, I read the “enjoy yourself” section thoroughly. Those four short, general sentences really nailed it.
This is a curious case. It is titled “Ultimate Guides”, and is about Ultimate Guides, but is not an Ultimate Guide itself. An interesting mutation I suppose on the way up to the evolutionary peak.
The Ultimate Guide to Ultimate Guides
The Holy Grail has been found as last. Glimpsing it did compel me to claw my eyes out, but the brief fraction of a second in which I clearly beheld it in all its heavenly glory was well worth it. 10/10, would gaze upon again.
And now a natural, and potentially heretical, question arises: where do we go from here, if anywhere? Is the Rapture nigh? Will the souls of those who have been ultimately guided be sheperded to the Higher Realms for assimilation? Or will something come to take the Ultimate Guide’s place?
But what could possibly beat Ultimate? Will we see Supreme Guides? Or Transcendent Guides? Perhaps Unsurpassable, Quintessential, or Unrivaled Guides? The metaphysics of this situation are still being worked out. But several leading prophets in the community have recently noted feverish visions of a guide so powerful that even the resplendence of the Ultimate Guide to Ultimate Guides is but a candle to the sun of what they are tentatively titling the Primordial Guide, the Apogean Guide, and the Mother of All Guides.
Stay tuned for more on these exciting developments.